Is it Worth it?

I've been asked this question regarding my surgeries a lot. Mainly by physicians and nurses, sometimes other athletes. Most of the time I've just looked at them like they were crazy and answered, "of course". Now, that the dust has settled from the third surgery and I am no better, I was beginning to wonder that very thing. 

Dr. C said he's not ready to give up on me, and for that I'm grateful. For now, I just have to wait. Wait until my body heals more to come up with a new plan.  One cool thing is that I've been prescribed red wine. No joke, I'm suppose to drink red wine at night. Sweet. He also said I should exercise to keep things flowing. 

 I've been on the road bike twice for about an hour each and it was miserable. Riding slow hurts and it makes me not want to ride period. In fact, I had already started to think of other things to pursue. The truth is I'm tired.  I'm tired of surgeries and recoveries and the fire to race and ride is slowly fading. My main concern is just getting back to being able to be active without pain. 

This past weekend I was sitting around and decided to go and spin on some trails. I had not been on my mountain bike in ages. My beat up little body ripped through the woods ("ripping" only occurred on downhills, otherwise I rode at the pace of grass growth) and had fun on all of the obstacles nice people have gone to the trouble of building--Thank you!!. It was a blast. When I got back home I looked down at my watch to see that three hours had gone by. Crazy. Guess that's the power of years of long winter base riding. In that single ride I found what sparked the whole quest to becoming a elite cyclist. Mountain biking is where it all began. 

I have always said that if I was not having fun racing or riding anymore it would be time to quit. I have never gotten tired of racing. Bad weather, having bad days, etc are all part of the game. I figure if I get overly irritated by these things, I need to find a new one to play. I have forgotten the game includes injuries. I would much rather be like the cool kids and have a broken collar bone or something of that nature instead of messed up arteries, but sometimes you don't get a choice.

So I've decided to still fight the good fight. The problem is how do I train while hurting.  The answer is I'm not going to. Instead, I will just ride my bike. I will ride as long, as far, as fast or as slow as I want, when I want.  No more heart rate monitors or power taps (I refuse to become a slave to gadgetry even when training). No offense to roadies, but mountain biking is just way more fun, and when I'm having fun dodging trees I do not notice my leg feeling as bad.  So that's my plan until August when I'll meet back with Dr. C. 

I think more than anything I have been overwhelmed by the amount of encouragement and support people have given me.  Doctors and nurses who have gotten to know me over the past few years and even if they were not "assigned" to me sometimes they would drop by while I was in the hospital to say "hey". Friends I have known forever, friends who I have gotten to know since I have moved up to the mid-Atlantic, a Scottish friend, great cyclists who I have crossed paths with , and the guy with a pair of beautiful green eyes that gives great hugs and lets me whine to him all I want. Thank you all for making sure I don't turn into a crumugeon and instead turn back into the healthy smiley girl who rides her bike fast. 

So has this all been worth it? Yes. Is it still worth pursing? Yes. Is it worth it if in the end it doesn't work out? Absolutely.